Self-Assertion: Can Developmental Trauma Stop Someone From Being Able To Assert Themselves?27/10/2022
When someone can assert themselves, they will have no trouble standing their ground and saying no. Along with this, if they want to do something, it won’t typically be a challenge for them to do it.
Having this ability will allow them to both protect and express themselves. Thanks to this, being walked over and acting like an extension of others is not going to be something that interests them. External Feedback This could mean that some people see them as someone who doesn’t put up with bad behaviour and takes life by the horns, for instance. Some of these people might admire them and imagine what it would be like to behave in the same way. When it comes to living a fulfilling life, it is going to be clear that having the ability to assert oneself is essential. However, although this ability is essential, it is not something that everyone can relate to. A Different Reality If someone doesn’t have this ability, it is likely to be normal for them to be walked over and to say yes when they would rather say no. Furthermore, instead of expressing themselves, they are likely to generally act like an extension of others. To say, then, that they are going to live an unfulfilling life could be an understatement; they could have a miserable existence. But, even if they do lead a life that is not really worth living, they could simply do their best to keep it together. The Norm This could be how their life has been for a very long time, which may mean that how they live their life doesn’t even stand out. It might cause them to feel frustrated and even angry from time to time but that could be about it. If they were to think about how they live their life, they could believe that there is very little that they can do about what is going on and just have to tolerate it. As a result of this, they could often feel very low and find it hard to do anything. One Area When it comes to their relationships, they could have a number of friends who are not overly interested in what their needs are. As a result, they could often feel violated around them and the outcome of this is that they might carry a lot of resentment. But, even if it is not their friends’ intention to make them do things that they don’t want to do, it won’t matter. If they don’t speak up and even make out that everything is fine, there is going to be no reason for their friends’ to know about what is really going on for them. A Mismatch If they have a job, they could do something that is soul-destroying and be happy to walk away and never go back. Or, if they do something that they enjoy, they might not feel comfortable taking the next step. Not being able to assert themselves is then going to hold them back and stop them from going to the next level. With this in mind, they won’t be in a prison but it will be as if they are living in a prison that is invisible. Stepping Back If they were able to mentally detach from what is going on and reflect on how they experience life, they could wonder why they experience life in this way. They could see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Consequently, they could feel totally hopeless and helpless and be desperate for their life to change. To gain a deeper understanding of what is going on; it will be a good idea for them to imagine asserting themselves. An Important Activity During this time, they might feel good and relieved about finally standing their ground and expressing themselves. Nonetheless, they might soon end up feeling uncomfortable and have the need to go back to how they were before; to hide how they feel and their needs. This will show that asserting themselves is seen as something that will put their very survival at risk and, until that changes; they are unlikely to change their behaviour. At this point, they could wonder why asserting themselves is seen as being a threat to their very existence. A Closer Look What this may show is that their formative years were a time when they were deeply traumatised and deprived of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Practically, from the moment they were born, they may have often been left. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what is going on. Their only option would have been to disconnect from their needs and the pain they were in and to go into a shut down state. The Past Is Present What they went through will be ‘in the past’ and their conscious mind may have largely forgotten about it but their brain and body won’t have. These parts of them will carry the impact of what took place. Until they start to work through the pain and arousal that are inside them, they will continue to see asserting themselves as a threat to their survival and part of them will make sure that this need is kept in check. This shows how their unconscious mind is having an effect on how they perceive reality and they are not simply observing what is going on ‘out there’. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they read to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
0 Comments
What is not uncommon is for someone to continually end up in relationships with people who are unable to be there for them. Ending up with people who are ‘emotionally unavailable’ is then going to be the norm.
The outcome of this is that when they have been in a relationship, they will have been deprived of the emotional and perhaps physical nutrients that they needed. They would then have been in a relationship but it will have been as though they were single. The Experience During this time, they are likely to have typically felt alone, ignored, invisible, unimportant, unloved, and worthless and rejected. Their need for affection might have also largely been overlooked, with them being desperate to be touched and held. Now, if this is how most of their relationships have been, it is not going to be a surprise if they question whether they ever want to be in another relationship. An area of their life that should generally have a positive effect on their life will cause them to suffer. The Same Old Story However, as their need to connect deeply to another person won’t go away, it might not be long until they end up in another relationship. This could be something that takes place after a number of months or even years have passed. Once again, though, the same thing could take place all over again and, at this point, they could end up feeling extremely angry and then fall into a deep emotional hole. They could come to the conclusion that there is very little that they can do and that their life will always be this way. A Natural Consequence As there will be what they want and what they get, it is to be expected that they would be this way. What can also play a part here is that they may have done a number of the ‘right’ things to make themselves more desirable. For example, they may have worked on their appearance, improved their wardrobe, become more masculine or feminine and earned more money. But although they will have ticked a number of the right boxes, this won’t have had much of an impact on this area of their life. External Feedback If they were to talk about this area of their life to a friend or family member, they could end up being told that they just haven’t met the right one yet and/or that they are simply unlucky. It will then be essential for them to be patient. Then again, they could end up being told that this is just what men/women are like and that there is not much that they can do. According to them, their best bet will be to accept that this is just how life is. Another Angle With that aside, the truth is that one is not powerless when it comes to this area of their life, but, in order for them to realise this, they will need to keep in mind that they are not just their conscious mind. Along with this part of them, they also have an unconscious mind. The former is just a small part of them that is fairly weak, while the latter is a big part of them that is very strong. Therefore, if they want one thing but are getting something else entirely, it is likely to show that this other part of them wants something else. It’s in their Hands Without this understanding in place, there is going to be no reason for them to see themselves as anything but a powerless victim. With this understanding in place, they will be able to get a sense of how powerful they are. Upon hearing this, they could wonder why this other part of them is causing them to experience life in this way. As they are suffering, they could struggle to understand what this part of them is gaining from it. Frozen In Time There is a strong chance that how they feel when they are in a relationship is how they felt throughout their developmental years. Yet, as what took place will have been repressed very early on and forgotten about by their conscious mind, they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak. During this time, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and they would have struggled to try to be loved by their parent’s or parents’. But, as one or both of them were probably unable to love them, this would have been futile. A Continuation Many, many years will have passed but the child that they once were will now live inside them and will continue to do what it can to try to gain its parent’s or parents’ love. This part of them, via transference, will see other people as its parent. Furthermore, it will cause them to co-create situations that are very similar to what it was like for them very early on and this is why they will end up being drawn to people who can’t love them, so that they can struggle to receive the love that they missed out on. The trouble is that not only won’t these people be able to love them but that the time for them to fulfil these developmental needs will be over. Drawing the Line Taking this into account, if they were to end up with someone who can love them, it is unlikely to be very long until the relationship comes to an end. What this comes down to is that this person won’t allow this part of them to struggle for love. To put an end to this and to feel comfortable with someone who is able to love them, they will need to face the pain and the developmental needs that were not met. By emotionally, not just mentally, accepting what happened and no longer trying to receive the love that their parent’s or parents’ couldn’t give them, they will be able to truly put the past behind them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Nowadays, it is not uncommon for someone to have a strong need to be known by a lot of people. Thanks, in a part, to modern-day technology, there is a myriad of different ways in which someone can achieve this goal.
However, in the past being known by a lot of people was largely seen as something that was a by-product of doing or contributing something, for instance. It was then, as if often the case now, not something that was typically sought directly. A Legitimate Path So, if someone has the need to be famous, they might not even question why they have this need. But, if they live in a society where so many people both have this need and do what they can to fulfil it, why would they? If they were to think about why they want to be famous, this could be a time when they will imagine a number of positive scenarios and feel good. As to how they will be able to achieve this goal, they could have a number of ideas in mind. Inspiration Whilst they are working towards this goal, they could pay a lot of attention to one or a few people who are, for whatever reason, famous. When this takes place, there could be times when they experience positive feelings and negative feelings. If they experience positive feelings, they could feel valued and loved and if they experience negative feelings, they could feel ignored and invisible. There may be times when they even experience jealousy and envy. The Next Stage As time goes by, they may start to experience a certain level of fame and, before long; they might attain the level of fame that they desire. Once this has taken place, they could feel deeply satisfied. Then again, this could be a time when they will feel deeply unsatisfied and as though something is missing. But, even if what they expected to happen once they were famous doesn’t happen; they could soon do what they can to increase the level of fame that they have. A Battle What could also consume a lot of their attention is the fear of losing what they have achieved and falling into the background once again. It could then be normal for them to see certain people as opposition. At the same time, the years could go by and they might not be able to make much progress when it comes to this goal. What they desire is then going to remain out of their reach and this is likely to have a negative effect on them. One Area Now, regardless of whether someone has or hasn’t been able to achieve their desired outcome, there is a strong chance that their relationships won’t be very fulfilling. The people in their life could be more like associates, with them typically talking to them about what they have been doing and what is going on in the world, for instance. In this case, they won’t open up about how they feel and feel deeply connected to anyone. Yet, they might not have a strong connection to their emotional self and thus, how they feel will typically be a mystery. A Closer Look One way of looking at this would be to say that if they had a deeper connection with the people in their life or just had close relationships with others, they wouldn’t have the need to receive so much from people that they don’t know. Nonetheless, if they don’t have a strong connection with their emotional self and are in a shut down state, they won’t truly be able to take in the love that would be around them. Based on this, behind the need that someone has to be famous can be the need to receive love. But, if they are in an emotionally shut down state, they won’t be aware of this need and neither will they be able to take in the love that they crave. What’s going on? At this point, it can seem strange as to why someone would have such a strong need for love and be shut down and unable to receive it. What this is likely to show is that their early years were a time when they were deprived of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Throughout this period of their life, they may have often been physically harmed and/or neglected. If so, they would have often felt worthless, rejected, unwanted, unloved and bad. One option As they were powerless and totally dependent, their only option was to disconnect from how they felt and go into a shut down state. The pain that they experienced, along with some of their developmental needs would have been automatically repressed by their brain. The years would have passed and they would have lost touch with both their unmet developmental and adult need to be loved, but, from outside of their conscious awareness, this need, along with the pain that they experienced very early on and continue to accumulate as an adult by being deprived, will have been filling them with drive and this drive will have been directed towards them being famous. The experience that they have when they are famous will have a lot in common with what they needed but missed out on during their formative years. The Connection If they were loved during their early years, it would have meant that their developmental needs were typically met. This would have been a time when they were seen, heard, cherished, protected, touched and held, among other things. When they are famous, this can also be a time when they are seen, heard, cherished and protected, if not touched and held. They will be the centre of attention, which is what they needed to be very early on in order to go through each developmental stage. Symbolic Parents But, as this stage of their life is over and their fellow human beings are not their parent, not to mention them being in a shut down state, being the centre of attention once more won’t have the same effect as it would have done back then. The only thing it is likely to do is to take the edge of the tension that they experience and make them feel better momentarily. For them to truly move on from this stage of their life and to be able to open up to the love that is inside them and outside of them and form real relationships, they are most likely going to need to face the pain and express the unmet developmental needs that were not met all those years ago. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was able to step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they have the tendency to elevate others. As a result of this, seeing another person as more knowing, more powerful and more capable will be normal.
They are then going to be at one level and the average person will be on a level that is much higher. What might stand out is that it typically doesn’t matter what this person is actually like as they could see them as being superior to them. One Outcome They could see that, through being this way, they look towards others to tell them what to do and how to live their life. But, based on how they see others, this is not going to be a surprise. No matter what they know or what they have experienced, other people are still going to know what is best for them. Their life will then be in the hands of others; they won’t be leading themselves. One Scenario By being this way, they may have a number of people in their life who act as though they are all-knowing and all-powerful. Someone like this is then going to be only happy to tell one what they should do and how they should live their life. Although this person might not be aware of this, they are likely to see one as a child. They are then going to be at one level and one will be at a lower level, which is why they will know what is best for them. Inner Conflict Seeing other people in this way is likely to be what feels comfortable but it doesn’t mean that they will enjoy living in this way. They can often feel controlled, walked over, disrespected and as though they are worthless. But, as frustrating as it will be at times for them to live in this way, they might not have a strong need to change their life. They might need to suffer for a little while longer before anything changes. No Choice However, at this point in time, they might not believe that they can do a great deal about what is going on. Based on how they see themselves, they could believe that they are incapable of making decisions for themselves and living their own life. It could be as though they lack something that other people have and this is why they need to place their life in their hands. Therefore, their only option will be to do the best that they can to tolerate what is going on. What’s going on? If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it is to be expected that this will just be seen as how their life is. Nonetheless, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that there is absolutely nothing that they can do and that their life will always be this way. There is a strong chance that the reason their life is this way is due to what took place during their formative years. This may have been a time when they missed out on the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. A Closer Look Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been harmed and/or neglected, which would have meant that a number of their developmental needs would have rarely if ever been met. By being deprived of what they needed, they wouldn’t have been able to go through each stage and grow into a strong and capable adult. Instead, they would have been traumatised at different stages and ended up being loaded up with pain and arousal. This pain and arousal would have automatically been repressed by their brain in order for them to keep it together and function. Two Parts The years would then have passed and their physical and mental self would have grown, but, their emotional self wouldn’t have moved on from this stage of their life. At this level, they are likely to carry parts that relate to when they were a child, toddler and an infant. Along with the stage of their life that each of these parts corresponds with, there will be the pain that each part is carrying. So, when they see another person as being above them, they are likely to be seeing through the eyes of a part of themselves that is stunted and feels totally helpless. Drawing the line What this illustrates is that while the past will be behind them, they will continue to carry the impact that the past had on them. These parts will need to be faced and integrated and, as this happens, the need for them to place others on a pedestal will gradually decrease. For this to take place, they will need to face the pain and express the unmet developmental needs that are inside them. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone is highly motivated, there is a strong chance that they will be used to receiving a lot of positive feedback from others. They can often be seen as living in the right way and even having high self-esteem.
The reason for this is that in today’s world, being motivated is often seen as a sign that someone is well-adjusted and values themselves. So, through being this way, they will do what they can to achieve their goals. Always On They can practically always be on the go, trying to achieve one thing or another. If they were to ever just sit down and do nothing, they could soon feel agitated and feel the need to move. Through being this way, they might rarely if ever truly relax and if they were to go on holiday, this could still be a time when they will be achieving things. This could take place by them answering emails and taking calls and/or reading and listening to audio books, for instance. Forced Relaxation If they are able to relax, either when they are on holiday or at home, it could be because they have consumed something. So, by drinking alcohol, for example, they could be able to feel at ease. But, below what is taking place at the level of their conscious awareness is likely to be a very different experience. They will then experience one season on one level and a very different season on another. Their Outlook They could believe that life is too short to simply sit around doing nothing and that life is to be lived. What will be clear is that, as far as they are concerned, they will only have two options. They will either be on the go and embracing life, or they will be sitting around and wasting time. Based on how they behave, they are going to have more in common with a robot than a human being. Lop Sided If so, they are going to be a human being in name only; it will be more accurate to describe them as a human doing. They will have mastered the doing element of life but the being element won’t be something that they have really developed. However, due to how focused they are on doing and how much positive feedback they receive, this is unlikely to occur to them. Furthermore, as how they behave is likely to just be what is normal for them and the society that they live in, there will be no reason for what is going on to stand out. On A Treadmill In all likelihood, they won’t have a strong connection with their emotional self and will typically just experience tension. Therefore, even if how they are living is not really fulfilling, they are unlikely to be aware of this. If after they have achieved something, they end up feeling dissatisfied, they could soon be focused on something else. In this case, the feedback inside them, that is there to let them know that they are on the wrong track, will end up being suppressed. One Area By not having a strong connection to their emotional self, their relationships are unlikely to have much depth. The people in their life could be more like associates, with them primarily sharing what they have been doing and have achieved. If they are in a relationship, this could be a very surface-level relationship, with their partner only being with them for what they do, not who they are. Thus, if they were no longer as successful and spent less time doing, their partner might soon pull away. One Step Too Far After living this way for many, many decades, they could gradually lose their motivation to behave in this way. They could find that living in this way is not fulfilling and they could be tired of doing so much. Yet, although this won’t be serving them, they could find that a big part of them still has the need to be a human doing. They are then going to experience a fair amount of inner conflict and until this starts to be resolved, it will be hard for them to change their life. Stepping Back If they were able to mentally detach from what is going on and to look into why they have behaved in this way for so long, what they may soon find is that they have been looking for love. But, as this need will have been outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t have realised this. After this, they could wonder why they have such a strong need to be loved. What could also cross their mind is that even though they have done so much to be loved; they have seldom if ever felt loved. Going Deeper What they want is then typically out of their grasp and, when they have been loved, they might have soon felt uncomfortable. They might then see that they have often pushed away the love that has entered their life. This is likely to show that they missed out on the love that they needed during their early years. In other words, their developmental needs were rarely if ever met, which would have deprived them of the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. The Outcome The presence, eye contact, touch and adoration, for instance, that they needed wouldn’t have been provided on a consistent basis. This would have caused them to experience a lot of pain, pain that would have automatically been repressed by their brain and to go into a disconnected and shut down state - a state that would have made it hard for them to receive. Their unmet development needs would have also been repressed and wouldn’t have simply disappeared. The years would then have passed but their unmet developmental need to be loved, along with their adult need, will have been driving their behaviour. Two Levels What this illustrates is how there is what is taking place in their conscious mind and what is taking place in their stronger, more powerful unconscious mind. Without access to this information, it will have just seemed that they were highly motivated and their behaviour will have been supported by society. With access to the information that has been outside of their conscious awareness for so long, they will be able to see why they have been so driven. They will know how powerful unmet developmental needs are, irrespective of if they are or are not aware of them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In order to truly embrace life, someone will need to have a strong connection with their body and be able to feel. By having this connection and this ability, they will be able to take life in and receive.
However, although being this way will be essential when it comes to living a fulfilling life, it doesn’t mean that everyone is an embodied human being, who can truly feel. There are those who have strong a connection to themselves, those who don’t and those who are in the middle. It’s clear When someone is in the middle, it can be a lot harder for others to notice what they are like. They won’t come across as being totally estranged from their feelings but they won’t come across as being strongly connected to them either. However, if they live in a society that is full of people who are like this, it is to be expected that they won’t stand out. Furthermore, as they are likely to typically come across people who are the same, their behaviour won’t be seen as abnormal. Another Scenario When someone is on the other side of the spectrum and doesn’t have a strong connection to themselves, this is something that can stand out. For example, it might not be uncommon for others to say or think that they are shut down Due to what they are like, it will be a lot harder for them to hide what is going on for them or to simply blend in with others. Still, if they are good at hiding what they are like and putting on an act, something that can take place unconsciously, how they are might seldom stand out. Their Experience By being this way, it can be normal for them to often feel flat and numb and they can often experience a fair amount of tension. When it comes to the former, they won’t be dead but they can feel as though they are. As for the latter, they won’t necessarily feel alive but they will feel edgy and uncomfortable. To change their inner state and to try to feel alive or to settle down and be more at ease, they could often consume things or engage in certain activities. The Watcher Without a strong connection to their body and life, they can often feel as though they are just watching life from outside. Like the substitute who rarely gets the chance to enter the field, they will be looking on as others play the game. This can mean that they will spend a lot of time watching TV, films and playing video games, for instance. Being active and doing things might seldom interest them, which can mean that they won’t exercise. One Area As for their relationships, they might not have any close friends and could just have people in their life who are more like associates. If so, when they are around people like this, they could primarily talk about current affairs and what they have been doing. What is going on internally is then unlikely to be shared, with their interactions being very surface-level. They might also prefer to spend a lot of time by themselves and not have a strong need to be around others. Isolated When they are by themselves and are not distracting themselves, they could often experience a deep sense of loneliness and disconnection. During these moments, they could believe that life has no meaning and they might even contemplate ending their life. They are then going to be in a very deep hole and are likely to experience a deep sense of despair. Taking all this into account, it is not going to be a surprise if they believe that life is something that they have to endure. Another Area If they have ever been in an intimate relationship, it might not have lasted for very long. The reason for this is that before much time had passed, they might have felt trapped and smothered. Additionally, not having a strong connection to their feelings would have made it hard for them to form a deeper connection and to take things further. Their partner might have also found this to be an issue and soon ended up pulling away as a result. Stepping Back Sooner or later, if they were able to step back and reflect on how they experience life, they could wonder why they are so disconnected from themselves and find it hard to feel. What could also cross their mind is why they spend so much time living in their mind, their body is often so wooden and it is so hard for them to feel at ease. It might soon occur to them that they have more or less always been this way, with them coming to the conclusion that they were simply born this way. There is a chance that they are this way due to what took place during their developmental years. A Closer Look From the moment they were born, they might have often been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. The pain that they would have experienced by being left and not having an attuned parent would have deeply traumatised them. Yet, as they were powerless and totally dependent at this stage of their life, their only option was to go into a shut down, disconnected, frozen and collapsed state. The pain and arousal that they experienced would have automatically been repressed by their brain to allow them to keep it together and survive. The Past Is Present If they were connected to themselves when they were born, then, they would have soon lost touch with themselves. The care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way wasn’t provided. What they are like as an adult is not going to allow them to embrace themselves, let alone life, but, at one point in time, being this way stopped their life from coming to an end. They are going to be carrying a lot of pain and arousal and this will be stopping from being able to be an embodied human being who can feel deeply. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Developmental Trauma: Can Developmental Trauma Cause Someone To Believe That There is Not Enough?12/9/2022
If someone was able to step back and reflect on how they experience life, what may soon stand out is that they often struggle when it comes to having enough. What could enter their mind is that they rarely have enough money.
After taking a closer look, though, they may find that there is far more to it than this. They might see that it is a challenge for them to experience enough attention, affection, encouragement and support. A Different World If they were to think about some of the people in their life or perhaps those that they come into contact with, it could be clear that this is not a problem for everyone. Still, they might not need to think about the people they know to realise this as they may see that there are plenty of people in the public eye that don’t have this problem. They could believe that these people are lucky and/or have something that they themselves don’t have. Either way, it will be as though there is very little that they can do to change their life. Emotional Experience If they were to think about the impact that this has on how they feel, they could find that they find it hard to feel good, strong and energised. In general, they could feel low and hopeless and helpless and flat. But, as it is largely a struggle for them to meet a number of their needs, it would be a surprise if this wasn’t the case. If their inner experience was largely the opposite, it could be said that they would be in denial. The Sensible Way to Be How they are experiencing life is making their life far harder than it needs to be and so it will be perfectly normal for them to feel this way. Along with this, they could often feel frustrated, angry and enraged. The key will be for them to not only reflect on how they experience life but to also look for a way to change what is going on. However, for this to happen, at least part of them will need to accept that their life can be different. The Next Step All the while they are aware of what is going on but are unable to accept that there is another way for them to experience life, it won’t be possible for them to do anything about it. Being aware of a challenge but not seeing a way through is not going to be very pleasant. At this point, they might wish that their life could go back to how it was before. They would still suffer, of course, but at least they wouldn’t be fully aware of what was going on and unable to see a way forward. A Continuation If how they experience life is just seen as how their life is and it doesn’t occur to them that there is a way forward, it could show that their life has more or less always been this way. Their adult life is then likely to have a lot in common with what it was like for them during their formative years. Throughout this stage of their life, there is a strong chance that their developmental needs were rarely if ever met. Their basic needs might have been met such as their need for food, clothing and somewhere to live but that could have typically been about it. Deeply Deprived One or both of their parents may have largely been emotionally if not physically unavailable. This would have caused them to miss out on the emotional nutrients that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. So, they wouldn’t have felt supported for who they were or received a great deal of attention, affection or encouragement. They probably would have sensed that there wasn’t enough for them and their needs might have been seen as a burden. One Option As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. Their only option was to tolerate what was going on and lose touch with their emotional needs. This would have stopped them from being in touch with the pain of not having certain needs met and being rejected or abandoned for expressing them. Most of the pain of not having them met, along with their unmet developmental needs would have stayed inside them. Recycling The Past Many, many years will have passed since they were a child but they will continue to live in an emotional desert. But, as their brain will have blocked out most if not all of the pain and the memories that related to what took place, they won’t have been able to see the connection. Now that they have started to connect to this information, they will be able to see that how they have felt as an adult is how they felt as a child and perhaps before. Due to their level of development, what they experienced in one environment ended up being seen as what every environment is like – the particular became the general. Drawing the Line For them to truly put emotional and not just chronological distance between them and their past, they will probably need to face the pain that they experienced all those years ago and work through it. Another part of this will be for them to embrace and express their unmet developmental needs. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
One thing that could cause someone to reach out for support is if they suffer from anxiety and/or often feel low. They could soon read or be told, depending on what approach they take, is that they need to look into and change what is taking place in their mind.
What is going on up top, so to speak, is then going to be the area of focus. For their life to change, then, it will be essential for them to be ‘mindful’ of what is taking place in their mind and to replace their negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Powerful Things Their thoughts will have a lot of power and by being aware of and having the right ones, their inner world will be transformed. Another part of this process can be for them to become aware of and change their negative beliefs. After following this approach for a number of weeks or months, they may find that their inner world starts to change. If so, this can end up being seen as evidence that what was going on up top was the problem. Another outcome At the same time, this approach might not work for very long or it might not work at all. If it only works for a short while, they could continue to do the same thing again in the hope that it will last this time. But, if it doesn’t work, they could still go back to doing the same thing. As they are likely to live in a society that is very mind-centred, it will not be a surprise if they are encouraged to do the same thing. How It Is In this society, the majority of people can spend most of their life in their heads and very little in their bodies. The average person’s point of awareness is then typically going to be in their head and what is going on in their body can largely be a mystery. So, when someone like this is told that their mental health is defined by what is going on in their mind, it will be as if they are being told that the sky is blue. What they are told won’t be seen as radical, that’s for sure; it will simply be seen as self-evident. Another Angle If it was put forward to them that what is going on in their mind could be an effect of what is taking place in their body, this could be hard for them to accept. Thanks to the view that they have of their mind, a view that will be backed up by the society they live in, it can be as though their body is merely there to support their head. Therefore, to say that their body will have an effect on their mental health will be similar to them being told that the socks that they wear will have an effect on their appetite. Ultimately, it will be seen as something that is totally irrational. Completely Overlooked However, while this part of them can be seen as being irrelevant, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the truth. When it comes to their body, this part of them will carry pain that they haven’t been able to face and work through. Yet, as their brain will automatically repress pain and thus, remove it from their conscious awareness or their mind, there will be no reason for them to be aware of this. Once this has taken place, they will have forgotten that they have forgotten about it. The Outcome But, although this pain will be outside of their conscious awareness, it doesn’t mean that it will lie dormant. No, this pain will assert pressure on their conscious mind and influence how they think, feel and perceive reality. With this understanding, they will be able to gradually connect to this pain and work through it, which may very well, over time, improve their mental health. Without this understanding and being in a repressed, shut down state, they won’t know that they are carrying pain, let alone work through it. The Norm As to why they would be in a repressed, shut own state, this can be because of the amount of pain that they have experienced throughout their life. Assuming that their early years were not overly nurturing, this would have been a time when their brain would have automatically repressed the pain they were in, in order for them to function and keep it together. The more pain that built up inside them, along with the pain that they have experienced throughout their adult years, the more shut down and estranged from their body and emotional self they would have become. But, if they have been this way for most of their life, it won’t occur to them that they are in an unfeeling, disconnected and shut down state, as this will just be what is normal. The Symptoms Feeling edgy, having irrational and automatic thoughts and/or feeling low can then be a sign that their brain is finding it harder and harder to keep their pain at bay. There can simply be far too much pain inside them for it to be kept at bay and not affect their conscious mind. The key will be for them to face and gradually work through this pain, and this may require the assistance of a therapist or healer. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Final Thoughts The fact that repressed pain is largely overlooked in today’s world and bodywork is seldom mentioned is surely a clear sign of how effective the average person’s brain is at repressing pain. This ability is not bad; it is a key part of what has allowed humanity to survive for so long. The issue is when this is not something that is understood at an individual and collective level and mental problems are solely seen as an effect of what is taking place in someone’s mind. Of course, if the correct diagnosis can’t be made, how can the right solution be provided?
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to feel as though they are simply going through the motions in life. They are then not going to have a strong desire to be here and this can be evident when it comes to how they live their life.
When it comes to what they do each week, this could typically involve the things that they have to do. So, they could go to work, go shopping, perhaps see friends and family now and then and that could be it. A Big Difference Compared with someone who is ‘grabbing life by the horns’ they won’t be grabbing anything by the horns. Or, if they do grab anything with any real intensity, it could be their steering wheel when they go out. Other than this, apart from being human, they won’t have a great deal in common with someone who is full of life and hasn’t got any time to lose. Based on how they both behave, it could be as if they are from different planets. Feedback If they were to come across someone like this, they could wonder why this person is so full of energy. One could believe that this person has something that they themselves don’t have and that they are inherently different. But, if this person was to pay attention to their behaviour, they could wonder why they are not embracing the life that they have been given. In their eyes, they could say that one just lacks motivation and could come up with a few suggestions for how they can change this. A Way of Life Now, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, they may see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Consequently, they could believe that they were just born this way. For a very long time, then, they won’t have had a great deal of energy or felt like doing much. They could believe that life is something that they have to endure, not enjoy or something similar. Inner State When it comes to how they feel, they could often feel very flat and low and sometimes be deeply depressed. What this will illustrate is that their nervous system is often in a parasympathetic, collapsed state. Due to how much time they spend in this state, they are likely to find that it is often difficult for them to connect to their needs and feelings. This will mean that they will spend a lot of time up top, so to speak, and will seldom be connected to their body. An Analogy So, when it comes to how they experience life, they are going to be like someone who has been asked to do something that they don’t want to do whilst on holiday. They will have gone away to explore but they will have to sit in a boring meeting for one of the days. During this time, they will physically be there but their mind will be somewhere else and they will be a shadow of their usual self. Their heart and soul won’t be in what is taking place and this will show. The Difference However, when someone experiences life in this way, their life will practically be one big meeting that they don’t want to take part in. They are going to be physically here but, in general, they won’t be emotionally here. If they believe that they were simply born this way, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the truth. There is the chance that what took place during their formative is the main reason why they are physically here but are seldom emotionally here. Back In Time This may have been a time when they were often physically harmed and neglected, which would have deprived them of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle the pain that they were in and protect themselves, they would have gradually lost touch with their body. This would have also caused them to lose touch with their true self and estranged them from a number of their needs and feelings. Quite simply, what they were going through was too painful and, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they had no other option. One Option In other words, they couldn’t leave the brutal environment they were in, so a big part of them had to disconnect and go into hiding. One way of looking at this would be to say that their true self or soul was murdered. It is this part of them that will give them the ability to embrace life and truly live; therefore, as this part of them has gone into hiding, it is to be expected that they would be a shadow of the person who they would be otherwise. They will have access to the life force that will keep their physical body alive and enable them to survive but they won’t have access to the life force that will allow them to feel truly alive and to actually thrive. Reconnecting Most likely, it won’t just be a case of them getting back into their body, connecting to their true self and embracing life. They can have many defences in place and under these defences is likely to be a lot of pain. Penetrating these defences and working through this pain will take courage and patience and persistence. If they were to face all of their pain in one go, they are likely to feel totally overwhelmed and they could die. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was to step back and reflect on their life, what they may soon find is that a number of their needs are rarely if ever met. So, while their basic needs might typically be met, this won’t be the case when it comes to their other needs.
In general, then, they are not going to have trouble when it comes to having somewhere to live, food to eat and clothes to wear, but when it comes to their emotional and physical needs, they are going to miss out. Ultimately, Feeling malnourished will be a normal part of their life. A substitute What could soon stand out is that, over the years, they have used food and other things to try to change this. This might have changed how they felt for a short while, only for them to return to how they felt before. They may have felt empty, down and frustrated at one point, and full, up and satisfied at another. This whole process might have taken place without them even consciously thinking about what they were doing. A Random Experience If they ever did think about how they felt, they might not have realised why they felt this way. Or, it could have been put down to them just feeling low and depressed for no apparent reason. Then again, there could have been moments when they had no idea and other times when it was put down to them just being depressed. Fortunately, thanks to what they now know, they will realise what has been going on. Missing out As their emotional and physical needs are seldom met, it could mean that they don’t have any close friends and are not in a relationship. If they had close friends, they would be able to be truly seen and heard and, thus, experience intimacy. In other words, this would allow them to meet a number of their emotional needs. If they were in a relationship, this would allow them to meet a number of their emotional and physical needs. A Way Of life Perhaps they have never had any close friends or been in an intimate relationship before. If so, they will have been missing out on what they need for a very long time and being deprived will be the norm. Naturally, being this way is not going to allow them to be at their best and live a deeply fulfilling life. Consuming food, drinking or engaging in an activity is not going to make up for what they are being deprived of when it comes to human relationships. An Analogy If they have ever been in a relationship or simply had a number of casual encounters, this might have been a time when it was as though they had come across a fountain in a desert. Like the ground that hadn’t seen rain for months, they will have been greatly relieved to finally receive some if not all the nutrients that they needed. But, before long, what they desperately needed might have been taken away from them. After having so much, going back to having so little could have been a lot for them to handle. The Outcome This may have been a time when they ended up experiencing anger and rage and felt hopeless and helpless. They might have soon gone into an emotionally collapsed state and felt as though they were in a deep hole. Additionally, this may have been a time when they felt so low that they just wanted their life to end. For them to return to how they were before, it might have taken them a number of months or even years. What’s going on? At this point, they could believe that they have no control when it comes to having their emotional and physical needs met and that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. For this area of their life to change, they will need to be lucky or for what is going on externally to change. However, although it might seem as though they have no control over this area of their life, what if there is far more to it? What if this area of their life is a reflection of what is taking place for them at an unconscious level? Going Deeper There is the chance that what is taking place is a continuation of what took place during their formative years. During this phase of their life, their primary caregiver might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed. Consequently, practically from the moment they were born, they would have often been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. To deal with the pain that this would have caused them, their bran would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut down, disconnected, collapsed and frozen state. The Impact Moreover, they would have ended up feeling ashamed of their needs and automatically disconnected from them. Having needs and feelings was too painful, so losing touch with them was a matter of survival To return to the analogy above; they grew up in an emotional desert. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they had to adapt or they would have experienced too much pain and their life would have come to an end. Repetition Compulsion Now that they are an adult, what took place will be over, they will no longer live in an emotional desert, but they won’t realise this at a deeper level. Hiding their needs both from themselves and others will continue to take place and they will feel ashamed of their needs. Another part of this is that a big part of them will be trying to meet the needs that were not met all those years ago and will cause them to unconsciously co-create a reality that is very similar to the one they had all those years ago. This is why they will continue to be deprived of what they need. Drawing the Line For them to no longer live in an emotional desert or look towards people who are unable to be there for them, they will need to face the pain and the unmet developmental needs that go with it and work through it. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|